


Dan Howell

by AlexLester98



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Bullying, Explicit Language, High School, Lesbian Character, M/M, Malnutrition, Pansexual Character, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 07:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5996884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexLester98/pseuds/AlexLester98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is 17 and pansexual. He has a secret boyfriend named Phil and a lesbian best friend named Kat. Everything seems perfect until prom night when both are hospitalised, after that everything goes to shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dan Howell

My name is Dan. I am a 17 year old pansexual male with divorced parents, both of which are hardcore republicans. My best friend is a lesbian and I have a secret boyfriend I just started dating. Everyday I have to face a judgemental Upper 6th-form class and am forced to conceal who I really am. My name is Dan, and this is my life.  
I looked down at my boyfriend Phil, my face felt hot as I tried to hold back everything my body had been yearning for every time I was in his presence. Phil, who had laid his head across my lap was gazing back into my eyes with a quizzical and slightly worried expression, as though he were trying to decipher what was going on inside my head. He was so cute, every muscle in my body was screaming at me to make a move, ‘Just kiss him you idiot! Stroke his face! DO SOMETHING!’ No. Stop it. I can’t think that way. We’ve only been dating for a week or two, making a move this early might scare him away and I couldn’t let that happen! As far as boyfriends go, I tend to have a track record for choosing all the wrong partners. But with Phil I had found an 11/10. He was a knockout; we listened to the same bands, watched the same shows, had the same taste and most important of all he was the biggest dork I have ever known apart from myself. It was just so easy to be around him, but even still I had to be careful not to get too relaxed or I might screw something up. While I was mulling everything over, Phil had shifted his position and put his arms around my waist and squeezed tight. A happy sigh escaped his lips as he closed his eyes and nuzzled against me. I couldn’t stand it anymore, before I could even process what I was doing, I found myself stroking his hair. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought angrily. Just as I was about to take my hand away as nonchalantly as I could manage, I noticed he had opened his eyes and was glancing up at me. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I pulled away my hand. My face had flushed so red I had to turn away so he wouldn’t see.  
“Why are you sorry?” Phil asked gently. I turned back to his voice, unable to resist, and locked eyes with him.  
“Um…. Uhhhh…..” What was I thinking about again? Looking into his deep sapphire eyes, seeing the softness of his face and the messiness of his shaggy hair I had lost my train of thought, which of course only made my face a deeper shade of red.  
“Dan?” His expression became worried. He slowly sat up, never taking his eyes off mine, and took my hands in his own. “Dan, baby, are you okay?” My heart was racing, I could hear my pulse roaring in my ears.  
“I-- I… I’m sorry for um…. petting your hair…..” I tried to gather my thoughts but all I was thinking was Baby baby baby, repeating like a chant in my mind. The confusion melted off his face and was replaced with a look of relief.  
“Oh Dan, I don’t mind whatsoever!” His sly grin made it impossible not to believe him. Hearing him say he didn’t mind made me feel silly for ever being scared to do it in the first place. I wanted to say something more but I didn’t have any words for what I wanted to say. I looked down to try and gather my thoughts and figure out what I was going to say. When I figured out what I was going to say I looked up to meet his eyes, but his face was now close to mine and his eyes were crying out in a desperate plea. He was struggling as though trying to make a very important decision. My body froze, I couldn’t moved an inch even if I wanted to. Every thought I had vanished, every word I planned disappeared. All I could do was hear my pulse, and it was racing faster than a jockey on his horse. Some of the butterflies doing loop-dee-loops in my stomach must have decided to migrate to my head because I couldn’t think straight. My mind was everywhere but nowhere at the same time and there was nothing else I would’ve rather been doing.  
That’s when it happened. His mind was made up and determination glinted in his eyes. He took my face in his hands, gently but passionately cradling it. My mind was going a million miles a hour, my breath caught and then he leaned in close and pressed his lips to mine. Time slowed down around me, what was my name again? We kept kissing until my lungs were screaming for oxygen. I took a sharp breath and what followed was something I wasn’t even prepared for. Instead of pulling away I clutched his back and pulled his body hard against mine. I couldn’t restrain myself anymore, I already had a taste and I loved it. He was caught off guard at first but then wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tight. 

~

I flipped through the radio stations as I drove home. “There’s never anything good on,” I muttered to myself, barely even noticing what music was actually playing. My mind was still jumbled from what happened. Did it really happen? It had all seemed surreal to me, I was sure it couldn’t have happened. We haven’t even been dating that long. Of course I didn’t mind in the slightest that it happened, I was actually overjoyed that it had. It’s just that some part of me refused to believe it could be the truth. I eventually chose my favourite rock station and kept the radio there. A whiny 80’s rock song was blaring out the speakers, but I didn’t even hear the song. I was remembering saying bye to him. Phil had walked me to my car and opened the door for me. I turned and embraced him tightly and he pecked me on the cheek. “Drive safely.” he said with a smile, I couldn’t help but smile in return. Promising I would he gave me one last hug but this time he gave me a quick kiss on the mouth. It took all my willpower not to pass out from the sudden rush of butterflies to my head. I got in my car and he closed the door, waving as I drove away. As my mind was deciphering each and every meaning behind the detail of his goodbye, one of my favourite 80’s songs came on the radio and brought me back to the present. I turned the radio up to max volume and sang as loud as I could.  
When I got inside my house I remembered to turn and lock the front door behind me. “I’m home!” I called out as I bent down to pet my cat Misty, who had greet me at the door. She only does this when she’s hungry so I walked to the kitchen to feed her, Misty followed me hungrily and ran ahead to sit by her bowl.  
“Did you lock the door?” I turned to see my mother sitting in the living room looking up at me. She always sat in the same spot everyday and got on her IPad to go on facebook or check emails.  
“Yeah I did.” I replied kind of annoyed. I always lock the door, why would I suddenly decide not to one day? Misty meowed impatiently.  
“Did you have fun with your friend?” Mum asked. I quickly turned away to feed the cat, I was sure my face was as red as a tomato.  
“Yeah. Um, we played video games and stuff…” I lied.  
“Well that’s nice.” Relieved that she believed me, I turned and poured the food into Misty’s bowl.  
The thing is, my parents didn’t know Phil and I are dating. Hell, they didn’t even know I was a pansexual. My parents are hardcore conservatives and very homophobic. When they found out my best friend was a lesbian, they spent the entire night lecturing me on how it’s wrong and I should be concerned for her “condition” like it was a disease and how I should try to help her through these hard times she's having from her parents divorce (Which happened over a year ago) and so on and so forth. The thing is, ever since me and her became friends my parents have been trying to push us together. Even though I assured them it was just a friendship and I wasn’t interested in her that way, they insisted on trying. They would always ask me if I had asked her out yet and when I would admit to myself that I’m into her. After about 2 years of non stop pestering from them, I finally broke and told them she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend.  
“While you’re in there, can you do the dishes?” Mum asked. I knew better than to think it was an actual question. I had to do it anyway, what’s the point of making it sound like I actually have a choice?  
“Mum I literally just got home. I haven’t even put my backpack down yet.” I never had any rest around this place, at least at my dad’s apartment he helps with the dishes. Mum never does anything but tell me to do stuff and sit on the couch.  
“Then put your backpack down and come back to it.” she demanded.  
“What if I have too much homework?” I said, which actually wasn’t a lie. I had gotten pretty behind lately. Anger flashed in my mum’s eyes, she was getting the look she got when she was about to go crazy and have an irrational explosion.  
“Then you should’ve thought about that before you went to hang out with Phil!!” She shouted angrily. I had enough trying to argue with her, it did nothing but get me more chores. I stomped to my room and threw my backpack on my bed. My eyes were stinging as I tried to hold back the tears. One thing I hate about myself is that whenever I get really angry or stressed I tend to cry. Stop crying, stupid! You’re a man, and men don’t cry! I was yelling at myself in my head which wasn’t helping at all. I snatched my headphones off my bedside table and stormed indignantly back into the kitchen putting my headphones in, tuning into my A Day to Remember spotify playlist and cranking it up as high as it could go. I was already feeling better halfway into the first song, the screaming lyrics with the hardcore chorus helped clear my mind a little and I was able to get the dishes done fairly quickly. I think mum might have said something to me at one point, but I guess it wasn’t important because she didn’t actively try to get my attention to repeat it. When I had finished I looked up and she said something I understood to be ‘Thank you’ from reading her lips. I nodded and went back to my room, shutting the door behind me.  
By the time I had calmed down completely it had been almost an hour after I left Phil’s house. I remembered that I was supposed to tell him when I got home safely and felt really embarrassed that had forgotten. I pulled out my phone and typed in a quick heya then hit send. He replied instantly.  
‘Wow, traffic must’ve been just awful.’ I couldn’t help but laugh.  
‘Psh, you have no idea man.’ I enjoyed playing along with his sarcasm.  
‘Well I’m just glad you made it home safe eventually :)’  
‘Yeah me too,’ I agreed. ‘For real tho im sorry. mum made me do the dishes as soon as i got home.’  
‘yikes im sorry :(‘ He was so cute when he apologised.  
‘nah its not your fault’ I replied.  
‘still sorry’ He insisted. We kept texting back and forth for a while but then I remembered I had a lot of homework and a test review I needed to finish. We said goodbye and promised we would text each other later after I finished. With that, I turned up my music and began the challenge that is Upper 6th-form homework.  
We never did end up texting each other later, Phil fell asleep at some point and stopped responding. I’ll admit it made me pretty sad but it’s not like I could blame him or anything. I finished everything at 1 in the morning and I was exhausted. I decided it would probably be best if I took a shower tonight, knowing me I would oversleep tomorrow morning and not have any time to shower. I closed the bathroom door so I wouldn't wake up mum and let the steamy water run down my back. The hot water was relaxing and the longer I stood there, the less tense I became. I began to think about Phil and couldn't help but dream about what happened. Oops. I thought when I realised what I was causing. I looked down extremely frustrated at my imagination and my body, thankfully I was able to continue my shower without doing anything about it. Trying to ignore it was extremely difficult but I knew that it would make me tired if I gave in and I wasn't quite ready to pass out yet. It occurred to me that I had no idea how long I had been in the shower so I shut off the faucet, grabbed my towel and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped the towel around my waist and shook my hair out, I got dressed absentmindedly pulling Phil's jacket over my head and putting on my favourite boxers. When I finished getting dressed I glanced at the clock and was shocked to see I had been in the shower for almost 40 minutes. Not good, I thought. I threw everything off my bed and slid under the covers. 

~

That night, I dreamt of Phil. I wish I could say I remember what it was about, but all I know is that I woke up dazed, euphoric, and very hard. I lay in bed staring up at my ceiling wondering what he was doing right now when I realised I didn't actually know when 'right now' was. Just as I was about to check the time on my phone mum threw open my door and told me it's time to wake up. I groaned and rolled over until she left, I didn't exactly want to get out of bed in front of my mum when I had a huge boner. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, glaring at my floor sourly. I hated school and school mornings were the worst. I sat there bitterly for about 2 more minutes when I remembered that I would get to see Phil soon. My heart skipped a beat and I was bubbling with excitement. I slipped out of bed and pulled on the nearest pair of sweatpants, my boner still wasn't completely gone, and strode out into the kitchen.  
As usual mum was hustling about, packing her lunch or changing her earrings to get ready for work. She was a teacher at my old school and leaves about a half hour before i usually do. I tossed a couple of biscuits in the toaster and went to the couch to switch on the TV. I flipped to an old rerun of The Simpsons and went to get my food from the toaster. While I was busy drenching my biscuits in butter, mum said goodbye and left for work, but not before reminding me to take my ADHD and acne medication. I rolled my eyes but took the medication anyway, knowing I would get lectured later if I didn't take them. I hated when she forced the medication on me, it always made me feel like I want good enough by myself and needed drugs to improve. I learned not to argue against it over the years and even though I don't like it, I know better than to refuse it. I took my breakfast to the couch and ate it chewing each bite carefully and taking my time. I wasn't thinking or anything, I just was stalling so I could finish the episode I was watching which happened to be very funny. When I finished eating i took my plate to the sink and rinsed the remaining butter off the plate so it wouldn't be extremely sticky later tonight when I'd have to do the dishes again. Guess it's time to go get ready, I thought as I trudged back to my room and turned on some music.  
Getting dressed for school and getting ready for school are definitely not the same thing contrary to popular belief. Getting dressed is simple, all you have to do is pull on a shirt and jeans and throw on a beanie. Getting ready is mentally preparing yourself for the upcoming 8 hours of a bully infested hell hole where you are constantly being judged and pressured. No one is ever really ready for school despite what they may say, the most I could do was turn my music up on full volume and try not to think about it. I left early so I could go and pick up my best friend Kat who lived about 10 minutes away depending on traffic. Unfortunately today was drizzly and traffic was bad, I ended up getting caught by several lights that I usually never needed to stop at. While sitting at a red light I felt my phone buzz from a text message, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and smiled when I read it.  
'Good morning, handsome :)' was all he had said, but it was all he needed to say to turn my entire attitude around. I was about to reply with something really witty and adorable when the light turned green. I sighed and tossed my phone in the passenger seat and continued to make my way to my best friends house. I pulled in the driveway and put my car in park and honked twice do let her know I arrived. While waiting for her I flipped through the different radio stations trying to find a good song, but all that was on was morning talk radio. By the time Kat got in my car, I had flipped through the stations about 5 times. She greeted me with a sullen 'good morning', she hated going to school as much as I did. I noticed she was wearing shorts which took me by surprise considering the scars visible on her thighs. (Yeah, I said scars. School is hell) I sighed and instinctively pulled my jacket sleeve down even though my scars were already covered. We both had a pretty rough summer and an even worse 1st semester and both had the scars to prove it. I was happy for Kat because she had been happy and confident enough to feel comfortable with her scars in public. Sure it had been a while since I cut, honestly I don’t even know where my blades went, but I still felt uncomfortable in public. It seemed that every time I actually decided to wear short sleeves someone would always ask me about the scars and how I got them. We spent the drive chatting about our relationships and how our night had gone, it was just another typical morning for us.  
When we got to school I felt a sudden jolt of energy, realising I was super close to finally seeing Phil again, but that quickly faded when I remembered we couldn’t show any affection in public. As far as acceptance goes, Upper 6th-form was probably among the least accepting classes in the entire district. So basically if we get caught showing any affection in public we’ll get pulverized and our parents will be contacted to address the matter. I can fight my way out of something if I need to but I couldn’t risk my parents getting called; I sighed and got out of my car.  
~  
“School wasn’t so bad,” Phil insisted as he took my hand in the car, tracing patterns with his index finger. “Just be happy it’s a Friday!”  
“Yeah yeah,” I grunted. Even though was a Friday, today had been pretty stressful. I spent a majority of the day spacing out in class and wishing I was with Phil. Now that school was finally over we headed to the shopping centre with Kat and her girlfriend Keeley, I knew mum wouldn’t mind because she would be out tonight with her new boyfriend. I didn’t see what my mother saw in him but she seemed to like him so it didn’t bother me much. When we got to the shopping centre we didn’t exactly know where we were going to go first or why we really went there in the first place but Phil insisted we stay and walk around for a while, so we just strolled aimlessly through the complex. When we passed by my favourite store I suggested we stop in and just browse, since everyone knew it was my favourite store and no one had anywhere better to be no one argued.  
“Hey Seth!” I called out when I saw him working the register. Seth was a friend of mine I’d made overtime by being in the store basically every weekend coincidentally when he was scheduled to work. Seth saw me and waved, smiling like he hadn’t seen me in forever.  
“Hey Dan! We have so many great deals today I bet you’ll find something you’re gonna love!” There seemed to be something odd about the way he greeted me today but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I fished my wallet out of my pocket and was able to produce $30 I forgot I had that was leftover from my last mowing job. As always, I started browsing in the Doctor Who section of the store, picking up a couple of shirts and just browsing through the items when something caught my attention. I saw a plain black beanie hanging on the wall, the inscription read ‘Hey Dan!’ Confused, I handed my shirts to Phil to hold them for me and picked up the beanie to search for a tag displaying what it would be from, but it had no tag on it anywhere. I shrugged, It’s probably just a weird coincidence, this is a pretty weird store. I put the beanie back where I found it and continued browsing around the store, circling around to all of my favourite sections meaning the next section in line was the Supernatural section. That’s where I saw the shirt. It was plain black with the single word ‘Will’ written in bold white letters. Since I haven’t finished watching the show yet I assumed it was something from a later season, but something in my mind was telling me that was wrong so I checked for the tag to clarify it was Supernatural but again came up empty. “Okay, that’s pretty weird…” I muttered. Phil just shrugged nonchalantly as though he didn’t think it meant anything.  
Next up came the Legend of Zelda section, it was a smaller section and typically didn’t change much so when I saw a single black sweatshirt behind the other clothes on the rack I grabbed it to see if it was something newer. Once again there was nothing on it but one word, ‘You,’ also written in bold white letters. I was starting to feel weirded out by this so I just put the sweatshirt back without another word and moved on to the Sherlock section. That sections clothes seemed pretty normal but then I looked at the accessories and found a baseball hat that said ‘go with me to’ this time written in white script. This happened so many times today I just began to figure that it was some weird new merchandise or something so I went to the next section without a single thought. I got to the last section I cared about which was the MCR section of the band merch, but what I saw instead was so much better than band merch. In place of The Black Parade shirt a different black shirt, the only thing written on it in all different colours was the word ‘Prom?’ I gasped as everything clicked into place and spun around to see Phil smiling a beaming smile. I felt so stupid for not seeing it sooner, New merchandise? Wow you’re sooooo clever I thought sarcastically. The truth was, I never even imagined that he liked me enough to ask me to prom. Who were we kidding? We would just get beat up and he hates confrontation, and yet here he was asking me.  
“Well? Whaddaya say? Would you like to go to prom with silly old me?” he extended his arms as though he was waiting for a hug.  
“Of course I will, I thought you wouldn’t want to go!” I cried running to his embrace. He chuckled and kissed my forehead.  
“Dan, darling of course I was going to! Those losers at school can go fuck themselves.” I found myself staring at him in awe, I’ve never heard him sounding as confident as he did at that moment. I was so happy he finally had asked that in my own moment of confidence I looked him in the eyes and planted a kiss his lips. He laughed fully now and pulled away afterwards, “Weren’t you going to buy a shirt?” he murmured.  
“Oh… right…” My face flushed as I looked between the shirts i had picked up, I could only afford one, “Okay…. I choose…. this one!” and grabbed a nice looking MCR one, then headed to the register to pay. After paying we headed out to go and get food, taking the parts of the invitation with us. “See ya next time Seth!” I said as I stepped out the door.  
“Countin on it!” He said with a smile. By the time that ordeal was over, Kat and Keeley had decided to walk around on their own for a bit and when we all got back together everyone was starving. Since everyone was broke we all decided to call it a day and head home, ending one of the best friday afternoons I’ve had in a long time.

~

Prom was a week away and I still hadn’t told my parents I was going with Phil, or at all for that matter. I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to say it without making it sound like it would be a date, after having almost a month to figure it out I still came up empty handed. I was sitting on the couch playing video games thinking about what I was going to say when dad got home from work. He burst through the door holding a pizza box and called out “I’m home and I brought dinner!” I sighed and paused the game, tossing the remote onto the sofa. I shuffled into the kitchen and grabbed a paper plate out of the pantry, I preferred using paper plates for dinners like this so I wouldn’t have to do any dishes. I turned and grabbed two slices of cheese from the box and sat down at the table in the chair opposite of my dad, who insisted we eat every meal together so we can talk about our (my) day. As though he was reading my mind dad asked “So how was your day son?”  
“Um it was fine I guess. Just a normal day.” I grumbled. My dad was always so cheerful and insisted on talking about everything, it was so annoying.  
“Anything special or notable happen?” He pressed like he knew I was hiding something. I sighed and gave up on trying to put off telling him about prom.  
“Well, I decided I’m gonna go to prom…” I said slowly, deciding each word carefully so it wouldn’t hint at anything suspicious. I looked up and my dad was smiling a big toothy smile.  
“Really? That’s so exciting! Who’s the lucky girl? When is prom? Are you paying for tickets? Do you need money?” He asked each question eagerly and at a hundred miles a hour. I took a bite of pizza and chewed it precisely, staring at my plate while racking my brain for an appropriate answer. I knew my face was bright red but I tried to ignore that as I looked back at him to answer his questions.  
“Well,” I started, “I’m not going with any girl like that, there’s no one at school I’m really interested in right now. I just decided to go with a bunch of friends instead since it’s supposed to be an experience or something. It’s in a week and I still need a tux so yeah I need some money. I will be buying my own ticket since it's just me and my friends.”  
“Oh…” was all he said in response. He peered at me with a look of suspicion on his face and I felt my pulse increase. Calm down don’t give yourself away. I thought to myself to try and regain control of my heart rate. “Who exactly would that include?”Shit.  
“Uh well there would be P.J., Chris, maybe Phil too. I’m not really sure who all would be coming Dad.” I manage to spit out, dropping in Phil at the end in an attempt to draw attention away from him. Dad was still staring at me but he didn’t look all that suspicious anymore, he just looked lost in thought as though he were contemplating what I just said and if it made sense. To avoid giving anything away I took another bite of pizza even though I wasn’t really that hungry. I guess it seemed innocent enough because dad just shrugged and went back to eating his pizza. Relief swept over me, he actually bought it thank god. Luckily dad let the matter drop altogether, which admittedly seemed a bit strange for him but there was no way I was going to mention it and just bring the subject up again.  
After dinner I went back to the couch where my paused game sat waiting for me to get back. I plopped down in the same spot I had been before dinner and kept playing like I had never been interrupted. I began to think about what Phil would say if he was next to me but I knew that would be impossible since I was staying at my dad’s apartment for the whole weekend. I kept thinking about him and began to concentrate less and less on the game I had been playing. The next thing I knew, I was being attacked by a swarm of zombies with nowhere to escape. Fuck. was all I had time to think before I was overcome by the flesh eating dead. the screen went black and a text appeared on the screen, ‘Try level again?’ with two options for yes and no underneath it. I didn’t really feel like playing anymore anyway so i just got up and switched off the system instead. My dad was busy doing what little dishes he had in the sink so I didn’t have to deal with trying to be cheerful and talk to him. I crept behind him and slid into my room without making a sound. My room was pretty small here since I only stayed here every other weekend, but nonetheless I relaxed as soon as I closed the door behind me. I walked over to my small little desk in the corner and switched on the laptop which was plugged in and waiting to be used. While waiting for it to wake up and do whatever updates it needed to do I kicked off my shoes and slipped off my clothes, putting on a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt instead. I tossed my clothes onto my duvet and turned back to my laptop.  
The welcome screen had finally appeared and asked for my password, I sat down and put in the password opening up to my desktop which displayed my favourite picture of me and Phil. He had his arm around me and was kissing my cheek as I was looking down with this huge dorky smile on my face. It then occurred to me I had no idea what I was actually going to do and why I needed to get on the computer in the first place. I sat at my desk awkwardly for about 5 minutes before I decided to start out at spotify so I could at least have some good music playing while figuring out what to do. I put on the My Chemical Romance playlist and kept it playing softly in the background, not wanting to draw my dad’s attention. After about 10 minutes of staring at my screen aimlessly, I gave up on trying to find something to do and just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling. I focused all of my energy on listening to each lyric of the music that continued to play and tried not to let my mind wander too much, 'What will it take to show you that it’s not the life it seems? I’ve told you time and time again you sing the words but don’t know what it means…' I felt my phone buzz, breaking me out of my music trance. I felt around my bed until my fingers closed around my phone, I brought it up to my face to read it instead of sitting up. Seeing it was from Phil i quickly unlocked my phone to read what he sent. ‘Hey you :)’ was all he said, and yet i still smiled, shooting off a reply.  
‘Hey guess what?’ I told him what I told my dad about my plans for prom he responded saying how he thought it was a clever way of technically telling my dad we were going together. Suddenly I heard a soft knock on my door, “yeah?” I said mechanically. Dad opened the door and poked his head in.  
“Do you wanna play a video game?” he asked. Ever since the divorce he’s been trying a bunch of new things to try and connect with me more, some of the things he enjoyed but I can tell video games weren’t one of his favourite things to do.  
“Nah it’s cool,” I waved him off, “I already played a lot tonight anyways.” He nodded and looked slightly disappointed.  
“Well if you need me I’ll be in the living room working.” He sighed, there was so much sadness in his eyes that I almost agreed to play video games with him. Almost. Without another word he shut the door and left me alone again. I talked with Phil for a little bit longer but he decided to go to bed pretty soon so I went back to staring at my ceiling. I had absolutely nothing to do and no one to talk to and even though I wasn’t at all tired, I decided to turn out the light and go to sleep.  
That night I had the worst dream. It was prom night and I was in the parking lot, Phil lay next to me bloody and unconscious. I was being shoved against a wall by some unknown force that was yelling obscenities and demanding me to make some kind of choice between Phil and something else. Pain shot up my side and I realised my ribs had been bruised by something. everything was so disorienting, but he voice kept demanding an answer so I opened my mouth. With a hoarse voice, I managed to choke out “Okay... I choose--” and that’s when I woke up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face. I checked my phone for the time. 3:12 ugh this sucks. Fearing I might have to relive that god awful nightmare, I didn’t want to go back to sleep. My throat felt as dry as a bone so I crept out of bed to get a glass of water. I wasn’t surprised to see my dad asleep on the couch when I went out to the kitchen. He tended to fall asleep there a lot lately. As quietly as I could manage, I grabbed myself a glass of water and was about to turn to head back to my room when I turned to look back at my dad. I felt really bad for him just lying there so i set my glass down, grabbed the blanket off the loveseat and placed it over him. It wasn’t much but I felt better knowing he could at least stay warm. I grabbed my glass and headed back into my room quietly shutting the door behind me. I gulped down the rest of my water and eventually decided I had to go back to sleep because I couldn’t really do anything else in an apartment this size without waking up my dad. I put the empty glass down on my little desk and settled back in under the covers, already beginning to drift off into sleep.

~

Kat laughed as I struggled to get my bow-tie on right. “I told you to get the clip on instead!” she teased.  
“Yeah yeah,” i grumbled and shot her a glare. “If you’re so smart then why don’t you try and tie this thing?”  
“Alright, watch and learn!” she said as she hopped up. Of course within 2 minutes she had it tied perfectly. “There!” she said as she gave it a final tug. “Look at how handsome it is!” she boasted.  
“Whatever,” i grumbled. “Thanks for helping.” The time was 6:20 meaning i had 10 minutes before Phil would come to “carpool” with me.I was glad Kat came over to help me get ready, I had absolutely no sense of fashion when it came to dressing up. “So do we need to give you a lift home or something?” i asked, it occurred to me that she technically didn’t have a way to get back home and I felt really bad about that.  
“Nah man,” she insisted, “I brought my longboard and Keeley only lives like 5 minutes away.” I was still hesitant to let her get home on her own but decided to let her do her own thing and wished she’d get there safely. As I watched her ride off on her longboard I saw Phil’s mustang turn onto my street. My pulse spiked and I began adjusting my suit frantically as though it was very out of place and needed to be fixed. I took several deep breaths (Which didn’t help at all), and watched as he pulled into my driveway. He parked and got out of his car to greet me on the porch where i had been awestruck by this male model that got out of the driver's seat instead of my boyfriend. He had styled his thick raven hair into a clean cut, businessman-like style instead of a beanie. Instead of his usual jeans and t-shirt, he adorned himself in a straight black tux that was made just for his tall and slender figure. He strolled up to my porch and looked to make sure no one was around. “Hello Dan my darling, you look stunningly handsome.” He said as he took my hand and kissed it.  
I intended to respond with something charming but all that came out was “um…. i-- uh… thank you…..?” He was so gorgeous I couldn’t think straight whenever I looked at him. He chuckled when my face flushed and was about to lean in for a kiss when we heard the door opening. Immediately he dropped my hand and stepped away from me with an almost panicked look on his face. Mum stepped outside and greeted Phil, Oh god how long has she been standing there? I became very stressed that she had seen him greet me and kiss my hand and tried to calm myself down by convincing myself if she’d seen then she would’ve intervened sooner than she had.  
“Well hello Phil! So what, you couldn’t find a date tonight, either?” Mum asked when she stepped outside. Phil's face flushed and his eyes darted to the ground nervously.  
“N-- no ma’am,” Phil stuttered as he shuffled his feet around.  
“Ahh, well that’s… unfortunate…” She replied, glancing suspiciously back and forth at me and him. I felt my legs go numb as I realised she was starting to see through us, I had to find a way to distract her before she thought about it too much.  
“So um yeah we’re just gonna go pick up the other guys now.” I took a step backward, subtly turning to face the car. My plan worked and Mum shrugged and wished us a good time with a small wave. We headed down toward his old mustang convertible (which had the top already put down) and drove away. I was a little down when Phil didn’t open the door for me like he normally does when he drives, but my mum was still watching us from the porch so I guess he couldn’t or it would’ve tipped her off. When we were both safely buckled and turned up the music we drove off, two guys going to a school dance hand-in-hand.  
When we got to the hotel we saw nothing but limousines all around, pulling up to drop off the many groups of rich football players and their bimbo dates. I recognized the lead quarterback Jared, the one person who had bullied me for as long as I could remember. The only thing that changed when we got to 6th-form is that he had backup goons now that agreed with him on every stupid little thing. I was so angry at myself, Of course Jared’s going to be here you idiot, he’s the head quarterback and most likely gonna be the prom king. I had been so ecstatic that Phil had asked me and so nervous about finding a way to tell my parents I was going, it never even crossed my mind that all of my bullies would be there as well. I turned over to Phil, “M-- maybe we should go…” I stammered turning to look back over my shoulder just in time to see Jared shoot me a glare with a wicked grin on his face. As he walked away laughing I turned back to Phil, “I just remembered I have a 5 page paper due on Monday actually.”  
“What is it Dan? What’s wrong?” His voice was coloured with concern as he took my hands in his own. I just shook my head trying to calm down and clear out all of my bad thoughts. A tear rolled down my cheek and Phil brushed it away, leaving his hand resting on my cheek afterward. He looked so desperate to know what I was thinking and I wished so badly I could tell him, but for some reason the words weren’t forming in my mouth. He leaned in close and kissed me passionately, not being able to bear seeing me the way I was. This was the first time he had ever shown any affection in public and I had completely forgotten where we were. I sighed when he pulled away and muttered an apology, he looked into my eyes with a fierce intensity I had never seen before. “Dan I just wanted to say… Before we go in there, I… Well I…. I lov--” before he could finish his sentence I heard a rough voice behind me that filled my insides with hot lead.  
“Aww that’s so sweet I’m gonna get a cavity!” Jared cooed sarcastically. I whirled around to see Jared standing about 2 feet away from the Mustang, flanked by two of his ugly goons. The one on the right was Trey, a 6’5” brick wall with nothing but pure muscle. His nose was crooked and gnarled like it had been broken in several places, with eyes the colour of puke he glared down at us like we were causing him aggravation just for being alive. The goon on the left was a shorter guy that must’ve been new to the school because I’d never seen his face around before. He had greasy blond hair that had already started to thin at the age of 18. His pimple covered face was slick with oil and his skin was covered in blotches like he had an allergic reaction to Accutane. Unlike Goon #1, he was very thick with hardly any defined muscle whatsoever.  
“What’s it to ya?” Phil snapped back. Jared's eyes glinted hungrily in the last light of day.  
“Oh you’ll find out Lover Boy.” Jared responded teasingly, then turned to focus his attention on me. “See Chase?” He said to Goon #2, “I told you he was a fag!” Chase laughed maniacally. Anger flashed across Phil's face and he got out of the car and slammed the door so hard that Trey jumped back in surprise.  
“You will not now, nor will you ever call my boyfriend a fag!” He shouted at Jared, who fake yawned and rolled his eyes.  
“Why don’t you go threaten someone who cares, faggot?” Jared waved Phil off like his warning wasn’t even threatening at all. Phil was boiling over with rage and the next thing I knew he drew back his fist.  
“Hey jackass!” He called out, causing Jared to whirl back around. Phil let loose and sent his fist flying, knocking Jared squarely in the jaw with a wicked right hook. My mouth dropped open. Who IS this guy? I wondered. I’d never seen this side of Phil before, I didn’t even know he knew how to fight. The next thing I know the two goons spring into action and pounce Phil, pinning his arms and legs to the ground leaving him defenseless. Jared was already back on his feet and advancing on Phil. I wanted so badly to help but I was so shocked all I could do was sit frozen in the car and watch the horror unfold. By the time I had come to my senses, Phil was sobbing and blood was streaming down his face. I saw Jared raise his foot, getting ready to stomp on Phil’s face when I suddenly remembered I not only could move but I also knew how to fight.  
I jumped out of the car charging full speed at Jared, plowing into him and knocking him to the ground. By the time Jared's goons came to his aid, I already managed to give him a nosebleed. Chase punched me in the gut, knocking the wind out of me,Trey picked me up like a rag-doll and threw me to the ground. Jared was on his feet again trying to wipe the blood from his face, leaving a red streak. He grabbed my shoulders and shoved me against a wall, my head cracked on the rough rocks of the building and I saw stars. The only thing I had been sure of at that moment was that I wasn’t touching the ground and that my boyfriend was lying in an unconscious, bloody heap somewhere next to me. Something else was wrong though, I wasn’t getting pulverised. Jared squinted his eyes and leaned in whispering in a snake-like hiss, “Listen punk, I’m in a good mood tonight because I’m gonna get laid later so I’m gonna give you a choice. You can either tell me you’re sorry for showing your sorry ass here and promise to go home and I’ll let you go right now, or you can choose this thing,” he nodded toward Phil, “and get the living shit beat outta you. Whaddaya say?”  
My head was throbbing and I felt so weak and cowardly I actually thought about apologising, but when I looked over at Phil I turned back to Jared and smiled at him, “Okay... I choose Phil.” and spat in Jared’s face. He dropped me when the surprise attack hit him right in his eye and roared in frustration.  
“GET HIM NOW!” He shrieked to his goons, too weak to run I soon found myself overcome and the next thing I knew I blacked out with the taste of blood in my mouth.

~

“You sure you’re okay?” Mum asked as she felt my forehead for about the hundredth time. Dad was standing back a bit so he could give mum her space I guess, but he was still watching me with concerned eyes, there was something else there too that I could only determine to be rage.  
“Mum I’m fine, the doctors will get me anything if I need it.” I sighed. I had this conversation with her about a dozen times. After I blacked out in the fight, someone driving by saw the commotion and pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and chased the goons off. He saw us lying unconscious in huge puddles of blood and called an ambulance immediately, staying with us until it arrived. We were put on heavy pain medication and rushed to the ER to be examined. Phil had a broken nose and severely damaged ribs that would have collapsed altogether if had been hit one more time, I was diagnosed with a severe concussion and broken collarbone with several fractures all over my body.Originally Phil and I had been placed in the same room but that soon changed when my parents dropped by for a visit. I woke up and the first thing I noticed was that Phil wasn’t there with me. I sat up in a panic, where had he gone? I was about to get out of my hospital bed to look for him when I turned to see both my parents with a range of emotions on their faces.  
Turns out that word spread around the school pretty fast about me and Phil and my parents were called and tipped off about the reason we had been beat up. Of course my parents were concerned for my safety and everything, but one look at their face and I felt like I was going to throw up. My dad looked furious, his eyes were bulging out of his head and his body was tensed like a lion about to spring on his prey. My mother on the other hand looked like she was holding back tears. She opened her mouth to say something and in a shaky voice she squeaked, “.....Dan, I--..... honey-- I can’t--.... just…. why?” she was stumbling so much she could barely make it through her sentence, but I was able to understand perfectly what she was asking. My whole world felt like it had been turned upside down. This has to be a dream, that’s all it is. A terrible, terrible dream. But some part of me deep down knew that it was very real and definitely happening. I looked at the ceiling and took a shaky breath, I just couldn’t make eye contact with her. Taking a deep breath, however, had been a mistake because I was met with a sharp stabbing pain in my side that made me wince. Oh right, broken ribs. I thought gloomily. I realised I still hadn’t given my mum an answer yet so I forced myself to look her in the eyes.  
“How could I what, Mum? Be with someone that I love who just happens to be a guy??” I spat back at her. There was so much venom in my response, my mother flinched. I didn’t mean to be so rude but I felt cornered and desperately felt the need to defend myself, then my dad stepped forward.  
“Young man, you will not talk that way to your mother! What in the hell were you thinking?!” He snapped. I knew he was talking about Phil and not my tone of voice. My blood began to boil and I felt myself letting go of everything I had held back after years of listening to their homophobic insults.  
“Gee sorry dad,” I cooed sarcastically, “Sorry that I don't like girls as much as I like guys okay? Sorry I don't fit in with your fucking vision of a perfect son. Sorry I decided to live the way I was born and do what makes me happy! But you know what? I’m not sorry at all. Fuck you and your views. For years I have sat in silence while you did nothing but judge and ridicule anyone who wasn’t like you! I felt so alone for years and years and finally for once I found someone who actually cared about me and my opinions, unlike you! I haven’t said a single damn thing and sat around miserably trying so hard to be the perfect son, I had to put on a mask and be miserable just so you would accept me. If you think me being the way I am makes me any less your son then I’ve always been before you knew then I pity you.” The floodgates had been opened. The hatred I felt for my parents was beyond noticeable and my dad was thrown off guard. He blinked and his mouth dropped open. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew I got my point across, but it was too late. Everything I held back before, and I mean everything, was spilling out unstoppably. I ranted and cursed and ranted some more until a solid 20 minutes had passed. I tried to go on but I choked on my own words and began to sob uncontrollably.  
My dad stood perfectly still with a shocked expression frozen on his face, my hate filled words had stunned him into silence. My mother’s eyes were red and puffy from crying and she stepped forward holding her arms out as though she was about to comfort me. It was only right before she got to me that something inside her made her change her mind and she awkwardly lowered her arms and took an unsure step back. I sat there sobbing for I don’t know how long, but the next time I had looked up I noticed a change in my dad’s expression. My vision was blurry with the tears that had yet to escape but I saw my dad glaring at me with tight eyes. What I said had finally sunk in and it was obvious he knew I was right. He turned to my mum and gave her a look that she understood to mean ‘Go back to the waiting room, I need to talk with Dan in private.’ I gulped, burning my dry throat, but I knew better than to try and ask for water. Mum glanced at me worriedly and turned around stiffly walking out the door without another word.  
My dad watched her leave and when he was sure she was out of earshot he turned back to me with a murderous rage in his eyes. I had only seen this look on him twice in my life and I cringed not wanting to remember what caused him to get this upset. He stepped over to me with a calm demeanor as I cowered in my bed. He bent down close to me and in a very calm and level voice he said to me, “Listen boy, I don’t know what in the HELL you are thinking, but if you don’t get your ass together this minute you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.” I winced but I tried to stay brave.  
“N-- no sir.” I said as firmly as I could manage. “I made my choice. This is my life.” He bolt upright and raised his hand back. I had been in enough abusive relationships to know what happened next. I yelped and cowered under the covers, reacting instinctively to what I had been through so many times. My dad's eyes flickered in understanding and it seemed to become clear to him that this wasn’t the first time I experienced this. Hurt coloured his eyes and he sighed quietly, lowering his hand. He shook his head infinitesimally and leaned in again.  
“That was a warning, boy.” He growled. “Next time my hand might just slip.” I could tell it pained him to say these words but I also understood that to him this was the only way he could put me in my place. His face turned a little softer and with that he huffed and stomped out of the room. Well, I got through to him. I thought grimly. But that doesn’t mean it will change anything. I sighed and was once again met with a sharp pain. Oops I thought, I grabbed my pain pump from my side table and pressed the button to release an extra dose of morphine. I laid back and stared at the ceiling miserably, I wished so badly that I could see Phil again but I had the feeling that it would be a very long time before I would be able to see him again. 

~

It had been almost a month since I got out of the hospital and my life was horrible. I remembered coming home that day, walking in the house and being surprised to find my dad’s suitcase there like he was moving back in. As I turned to question why, I was met with a scowl that made me realise it would be best if I didn’t say anything right now. My dad threw my hospital overnight bag at me and i struggled to catch it with my one good arm. I stumbled back and almost fell down but Dad looked like he could care less and he turned and stormed into my mum’s (I guess his now too?) room. So that’s how it going to be. I sighed and went to my room to unpack with my mum walking uneasily behind me. I tossed my bag onto my unmade bed, at least they didn’t dig through my room I thought half-heartedly as I looked around and saw everything just as I had left it. When I looked up again I noticed Mum hadn’t left my room yet and she was rocking back and forth nervously like she wanted to say something. She began to speak, “Dan, I--” but I had already heard enough of everything she had to say and I wasn’t in the mood to hear any more.  
“What?!” I cut her off, “What could you possibly want from me that I haven’t already given you for you to be happy?!” My words felt like knives coming out of my mouth and I hated it, but I held my ground. Mum flinched but quickly composed herself, she took a deep shaky breath and continued to speak.  
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry…” She whispered. I felt my mouth drop open as she continued, “I’m sorry for the way your father acted and I’m sorry I didn’t know anything sooner. I-- We just want to help you sweetie. Help you get better.”  
“‘Get better’?” I repeated, trying to process exactly what she meant. “Like, get better from my concussion?” I questioned. She just shook her head and looked down at her feet, chewing on her lip trying to decide what to say.  
“If you had told me about this sooner, than we could’ve gotten you the help you need and you never would’ve been beaten up in the first place.” This time my brain clicked and I knew exactly what she was trying to say. I could feel my face get hot and my muscles begin to tense.  
“Wait… You want to help me through being pansexual?! What the actual fuck Mum?! It’s not like I have some disease that needs to be treated!” I shouted angrily. She nodded thoughtfully like she had expected me to say that.  
“I’m not exactly saying that you do, Dan. I’m just saying that maybe if we had seen the signs sooner we could’ve done something different.” I was too angry to speak. Unfortunately Mum took my silence to mean I had agreed with her, completely oblivious to the fact that my face was beet-red and I was visibly shaking. “Now,” she continued, “I’ve looked into it a little and I think you might agree this is for the best.” She attempted to pat my shoulder reassuringly, but I drew back.  
“Looked into what, exactly?” I didn’t trust my mum any further than I could throw her.  
“Well, Dan, honey, your father and I want to get you some professional help. You know, someone to talk to? I’ve heard he’s very good!” She assured me trying to sound positive. “He deals with cases like yours all the time.”  
“Cases like mine…” I repeated in a dream-like manner. This has to be a dream. This cannot be happening to me.  
“Well, people who are…. confused….” she stumbled trying to find a good word to replace ‘gay’ or ‘trans’ or ‘lesbian’ etc. I snapped out of my daze and fell back onto my bed.  
“You’re sending me to a CORRECTIONAL THERAPIST?!?!” Mum looked worried that I had fallen over but didn’t make an attempt to come and help me up. “No! I won’t go! I refuse!” She just shook her head. Her mind was made up, I would be going and that’s that. She turned and went out, leaving me alone in my room to unpack. My vision blurred and I felt dizzy. I collapsed on the bed and failed any attempts of holding back the sobs that came.  
I shook my head, I had seen enough. I didn’t want to remember that night anymore. My heart felt heavy as I trudged silently to class. I missed Phil so much. The only time I ever saw him anymore was at school occasionally during a passing period; he was no longer in any of my classes. His parents immediately demanded he would get switched to different classes when they heard the news, making both of us miserable. Whenever I would see him in the halls I could never build up the courage to say anything. I mean seriously, what would you say to your boyfriend whom you last saw in a hospital bed they were put in just for showing affection towards you? Yeah. Kinda awkward. Aside from that, I was terrified that he wasn’t even the same person anymore he had looked so different. He always had a slight figure, but now he appeared to be a moving skeleton with bruised skin pulled over it. The bruises covering his body were ones that could only come from a strike (Trust me, I know from experience). His once round face now looked sunken and hollow and one eye was purple and swollen shut. These days he always wore a jacket with the hood pulled over his tangled and wispy raven hair trying to hide his newly marred face. I wanted so badly to do something but deep down I knew that if I tried to help, I would just make things much worse for the both of us. I was already pulverised and tormented on a daily basis, and I wasn’t really eager to see what they would do to kick it up a notch; so there I remained, painfully silent.  
As I was constantly getting tormented by my peers with my teachers who did nothing to stop the torment, I found myself skipping more classes. One day had been particularly bad however and I decided to skip my 3rd period Art class, even though Art was my favourite subject. Usually when I skip a class I just chill at our overgrown football field, which was always abandoned due to it being the off-season. But I didn’t really feel like walking all the way over there, so instead I decided to go on the roof of the main building by using a secret set of stairs for “Maintenance Only.” As soon as I got to the roof, the first thing I was able to register was the sound of a strangled sob. I guessed that whomever was sobbing definitely didn’t want to be disturbed but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I crept around the back of the large AC unit and peered around the corner. I was shocked to see that Phil was in front of me, standing on the ledge with his eyes closed. “I’m sorry Dan.” I heard him whisper. Then to my horror he began to lean forward.  
“NO!” I cried out lunging for him, managing to grab his arm. I yanked with all the strength I could manage and he fell back onto the roof into my arms, completely in a daze. Tears streamed down my face as I reached down to stroke him. He yelped in response and flinched away from my hand. My eyes stung and my throat felt tight. “Phil, please… It’s me…” I begged. He looked up and locked eyes with me. I saw the recognition in his eyes and he immediately relaxed in my arms.  
“Dan?” he question with a shaky breath, like he was trying to see if I was real or if he’d died. I tried to smile through my tears.  
“Yeah baby.. I’m here… it’s okay now.” I cooed, gently stroking the matted hair out of his face. I leaned in and kissed him on the forehead and heard him whimper in response. “What in the hell were you thinking?” He buried his head in my chest and began to sob again.  
“I’m so sorry,” he choked out. “I just can't do this anymore.”  
“Do what?” I asked gently.  
“Live.” I swallowed hard. I instinctively pulled him closer to me and squeezed like I would never let him go again.  
“There has to be another way….” I squeaked. A spark of hope danced across his face.  
“Dan, will you run away with me?” He asked excitedly, pushing himself up to sit on his knees. I felt paralysed with shock and remained sitting stiffly like he was still in my arms. My thoughts became jumbled as I tried to comprehend what he was asking. That’s when I actually got a closer look at Phil. His hollow face was blotchy with new and healing bruises, but what I noticed were the bruises that were much too big to be left by some 6th-former. They would have to have come from someone much older. Someone like a father. I shuddered to think what he had to go through every day when he came home from school but quickly put it out of mind. His ebony hair had become stringy and thin, making it clear he hadn't been getting enough nutrition. I wonder if he’s choosing not to eat or just isn’t getting fed… I thought vaguely. I quickly snapped out of it when my gaze fell on his wrist. Part of his jacket sleeve had slipped up and I saw something I wish I hadn’t. He noticed and quickly shoved the sleeve back down but it was too late. I had seen the all too familiar lines up and down, left and right.  
“Oh Phil, honey…” I whispered. His eyes darted down with shame. “Take off your jacket.” I begged. He was reluctant at first but sighed, as though he realised there was no point in trying to hide it anymore. He shrugged off his jacket, wincing as the sleeves slipped off his arms. I gasped in horror. I hadn’t been expecting to see both of his arms covered in cuts and scars, and seeing them on Phil's translucent skin made me especially ill. For as long as I’d known him he had always said he could never hurt himself because he doesn’t like to deal with the pain. This person sitting in front of me was a complete stranger, but at the same time he was still My Phil and I loved him all the same. My throat felt tight and I realised that Phil needed me and couldn’t live without me, literally. I was surprised to find out that I needed him as much as he needed me, and as soon as I realised that I nodded stiffly. “Okay, I’ll go with you.” 

~

The house was dark, it was the perfect time. I slid out of bed and grabbed my duffle bag that was sitting by my desk fully packed. I set it on my bed, opening it again to double check and make sure I had everything I needed. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I stressed as I quietly closed the bag again. Even though it had only been a week since Phil and I decided to run away together it seemed like a lifetime. I checked the little clock sitting on my desk. 2:37. Good. I still had 8 minutes before I was supposed to leave. I took one last look at my room and stepped out into the kitchen, closing the door behind me quietly. I crept into the kitchen silently, thank God many years of midnight snacks taught me how to move about my house without a sound. I got a small glass and filled it with water, taking a long refreshing drink. I heard a quiet tapping on the front door and quickly set my water down on the counter. My heart was pounding in my ears and I gently tossed my bag on the couch as I went to open the door, where i was greeted with an unexpected kiss. I stumbled back but I guess Phil had expected that to be my reaction because he caught me easily. When he pulled away I got a better look at him and gasped. The Phil I had been with last week was gone, replaced by a sort of combination between My Phil and the Phil that seemed helpless. His eyes were still swollen, but they once again held the brightness that reflected neverending hope. He seemed to have put some of his weight back on because his face didn't look as hollow as it had been, although he still had strikingly visible cheekbones. The twisted frown that seemed to be permanently branded on his face was replaced with the crooked smile that I loved so much and just like that, all of my doubts vanished. I turned around to grab my bag off the couch when I froze.  
My parents stood several feet behind us, their faces frozen in a mix of horror, disgust, rage and sadness as they watched me get ready to leave their lives forever. I snatched my duffle bag and scooted backwards to stand next to Phil. With wet eyes, my mum stepped forward and spoke with a trembling voice, “Dan, honey… Wha-- what are you doing?”My jaw locked.  
“I’m leaving Mum,” I said stiffly, “I can’t stay in a place where I’m constantly judged and hated for who I am.” She flinched but said nothing in response like she couldn’t process what I said. My father was glaring at Phil with a murderous rage in his eyes but softened when he looked at me.  
“Son, please,” He begged, “Your mother and I are trying the best we can to make things work again, if you just give us time we can fix the past and you can go back to being you.” My blood began to boil.  
“You just don't get it, do you?” I snapped, “I’m not something that needs to be ‘fixed’ or ‘cured’! I’m a human being and me being who I am doesn’t make me any less of a human being than you are.”  
“No, that’s not-- I didn’t mean-- I just--” He stuttered, trying to find the right words to say. My mother looked like she finally registered what was said and began to plead again.  
“What your father means to say is that we’re trying the best we can to understand your life and even learn to accept it.” She clarified. “We’ll try harder we promise.” My dad looked like that’s not what he had been trying to say at all and was about to protest when my mum turned to him, “Right, honey?” she pushed in a tone that seemed to say You better fucking agree with me or we’ll lose him forever. My dad seemed to understand, closing his mouth and reluctantly nodding. “We can even take you out of that school if you want, I know how much you hate it there.” She offered. My mouth fell open, I couldn’t be hearing them say this… could I? The feeling of doubt crept back into my head. Phil, noticing my hesitation, grabbed my hand and tried to whisper in my ear.  
“Babe,” I guess my dad heard him because I saw him tense, “Please don’t listen to them. We had a plan remember? I need you… I love you…” He pleaded with all of his might. I turned and looked deep into his eyes. Am I actually considering staying with my parents? I thought in disbelief. How can this be possible? No. It’s not. I’m going with Phil and that’s final. Although… I was arguing with myself; I shook my head pushing away the thoughts that kept appearing in my head. I looked back and forth between Phil and my parents, everyone waited expectantly for an answer that I didn’t have. My insides felt like cement that was slowly being chipped into pieces. I knew I wanted to go with Phil with all of my heart, so why was it so hard to leave? All I’d ever wanted was acceptance from my parents and now that they were back together everything seemed like everything could fall into place, only I would never get to see Phil again. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it, failing completely. It was 3:00 now and I knew that if I was going with Phil I had to choose fast. I looked between them again. “Okay…” I said calmly, “I choose--”

The End.


End file.
